Fights
- "Now I like (A), but I also like (B). But which is better? There's only one way to find out, FIGHT!!!"
The fights are pre-advertisement battles that attempt to determine which of two people or things from a scene are "best", such as "babies or cats" (from an episode of The Apprentice), "chicken or turkey", "White Rat or Brown Rat" (from a nature documentary), "Mars or meat" (from Life on Mars) or even "Jesus or Hitler". After making the comparison, Hill's signature tagline follows: "But which is better? (A) or (B)? There's only one way to find out... FIGHT!", at which point two actors representing the characters of the comparison appear from either side and engage in a wrestling match while Hill goads them on (usually favouring one specific party). After the commercial break, the programme continues as normal, making no reference to the fight or who won it.
List of fights
| Episode | Combatants | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Pilot | Modern Children's TV vs. Classic Children's TV | A Teletubby fought a Womble |
| 1.1 | Harry Potter vs. The Doctor | |
| 1.2 | Children in Need vs. Comic Relief | Pudsey Bear fought a Red Nose Day nose; Russell Crowe attacked the latter |
| 1.3 | Horatio Nelson vs. Winston Churchill | |
| 1.4 | Ainsley Harriott vs. Gary Rhodes | "Food Fight" |
| 1.5 | Charlotte Church vs. Liam Gallagher | |
| 1.6 | Jesus vs. Santa Claus | Jesus knocked Santa out with one punch |
| 2.1 | Derren Brown vs. David Blaine | |
| 2.2 | Simon Cowell vs. Neil Fox | "Bitch Fight" (over their comments on Michelle McManus on Pop Idol) |
| 2.3 | Charles and Diana Ingram vs. Neil and Christine Hamilton | |
| 2.4 | Henry VIII vs. Charles II | |
| 2.5 | Jonny Wilkinson vs. Geoff Hurst | |
| 2.6 | Catholicism vs. Hinduism | The Pope fought Vishnu |
| 2.7 | New Top of the Pops vs. Old Top of the Pops | Tim Kash fought Jimmy Savile |
| 2.8 | Santa Claus vs. Saddam Hussein | Santa was the first returning combatant |
| 3.1 | Cilla Black vs. Davina McCall | |
| 3.2 | Miriam Rivera vs. Hayley Cropper | |
| 3.3 | Mel Gibson vs. Peter Jackson | Gibson was dressed as William Wallace in Braveheart |
| 3.4 | Kieren Fallon vs. James Hewitt | |
| 3.5 | New Starsky and Hutch vs. Classic Starsky and Hutch | Starsky and Hutch (as portrayed by Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson) fought Starsky and Hutch (as portrayed by Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul) |
| 3.6 | Jeremy Bowen vs. God | |
| 3.7 | The Archbishop of Canterbury vs. the Footballers' Wives | |
| 4.1 | Jennie Bond vs. Pete Waterman | "Who has the most boring anecdotes that go nowhere?" |
| 4.2 | Short Pink Blonde Nurse Who Does Lengths vs. Tall Pink Blonde Nurse Who Does Widths | "Who is best at patrolling the corridors in Casualty?" |
| 4.3 | Shark vs. Toaster | Repeated on Best Of 4 Repeated on Gold |
| 4.4 | Brown Rat vs. Black Rat | |
| 4.5 | Karen McDonald vs. Giant Blue Tit | |
| 4.6 | Tracey vs. Little Tracey | from Chubby Chasers |
| 5.1 | Derek Acorah vs. Scooby-Doo | Repeated on Best Of 1 |
| 5.2 | Jack Regan vs. Gene Hunt | |
| 5.3 | Nookie Bear vs. Napoleon | "Who is the better leader?" - question directly asked on Holby City |
| 5.4 | Anthea Turner vs. Paul Burrell | "Which is better at telling us where we're going wrong?" |
| 5.5 | Oprah Winfrey vs. Big Mac | |
| 5.6 | Dev Alahan vs. Sunita Alahan | During a sketch where both Dev and Sunita appeared on Trisha Trisha Goddard said "see you after the break" rather than Harry Repeated on Best Of 15 |
| 5.7 | Baby vs. Kitten | "Which is better for calendars?" Combatants were a real baby and a real cat, and did not fight at all |
| 5.8 | Pig vs. Squirrel | "Which makes a better thief?" |
| 5.9 | Captain of the Titanic vs. Iceberg | "Which was to blame for the sinking?" |
| 5.10 | Tree vs. Lighting Rig | "Which is worse to fall on your head?" Only the tree emerged from the door; the lighting rig fell from above and hit the tree |
| 5.Xmas | Mo Slater vs. Turkey | Repeated on Best Of Christmas |
| 6.1 | Rebecca Fowler's Cuddly Rabbit vs. Ken Barlow's Cuddly Elephant | |
| 6.2 | Phil Mitchell vs. Mr. Blobby | "Which is better at crashing through doors?" Repeated on Best Of 3 |
| 6.3 | The Walford Gazette vs. the Hotten Courier | |
| 6.4 | Ruth, the Chocolate Woman vs. John, the Man With No Detail | "Which drawing on Farm of Fussy Eaters is a better insight into the real person beneath?" |
| 6.5 | Seagull vs. Sick Ferret | "Which is the better catch?" |
| 6.6 | ScorpiPat vs. the Cushion Monster | "Which is more frightening?" |
| 6.7 | Mars vs. Meat | A Mars bar fought a hanging beef (which came in on an overhead cable) Repeated on Best Of 5 |
| 6.8 | West Ham Hooligan vs. Manchester United Hooligan | Combatants did not fight, only insulted each other |
| 6.9 | Old-Fashioned Dinosaur vs. Blue Tit | Only the Blue Tit emerged from the door; the Dinosaur's foot came from above and crushed the Blue Tit The Blue Tit was the second returning combatant |
| 6.10 | Worth TVE-500 vs. Vertical Incline Shaft Tunnel Boring Machine | Fight took place underground Repeated on Best Of 2 |
| 6.11 | Derek vs. Derek's Pillow | from Sleep Clinic |
| 6.12 | Spandau Ballet vs. Duran Duran | Set a new record for most combatants, with 10 Repeated on Best Of 17 |
| 6.13 | Tomas Covalenco vs. "Holly" | "Which is the better abandoned baby?" |
| 6.Xmas | Turkey vs. Goose | The Turkey was not the same as in 5.Xmas, being a live turkey rather than a cooked one |
| 7.1 | "Hasn't Mr. Blobby Let Himself Go?" Duvet vs. "Giant Flippered Maggot" Duvet | |
| 7.2 | Jamie Oliver vs. Gordon Ramsay vs. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall | "Food Fight" (second Food Fight) |
| 7.3 | Pets vs. Paranormals | A real dog (replaced by a stuffed toy) fought a ghost |
| 7.4 | 12:00 vs. 12:30 | "Which is the better time for a funeral?" |
| 7.5 | Elephant Cam vs. Tortoise Cam | An elephant fought a tortoise; fight was shown from the perspective of the two cameras |
| 7.6 | Being Carried Off By a Wasp vs. Taking an Early Bath | A wasp fought David Attenborough in a bath |
| 7.7 | Gambian Giant Pouched Rat vs. Conventional Mine-Clearing Machines | |
| 7.8 | Mr. Broccoli Carrot Face vs. Crisp Man | |
| 7.9 | Peter Therapy Buddy vs. Simon Therapy Buddy | |
| 7.10 | Toilet Seat Up vs. Toilet Seat Down | |
| 7.11 | Fiz Brown's Straw Donkey vs. Roy Cropper's Toy Giraffe | |
| 7.12 | Charlie Thomason vs. Slow Extra on EastEnders | "Which is slowest?" Combatants were so slow that they still had not reached each other by the time the ad break ended; the fight was called off and they were told to walk (slowly) back to their doors |
| 7.13 | Betty Williams' Hotpot vs. Vernon Tomlin's Lamb Shank | |
| 8.1 | Bear Grylls vs. the Sea | |
| 8.2 | Heather Mills vs. Adolf Hitler | "Which is the naughtiest vegetarian?" Harry notably supported Hitler in this fight Repeated on Best Of 13 |
| 8.3 | Spaghetti Bolognese vs. Two Cherries on an Ironing Board | |
| 8.4 | Gorillas vs. Smurfs | Started a Series 8 running gag of Smurfs trying to attack gorillas wherever they appeared Repeated on Best Of 9 |
| 8.5 | German Worms vs. French Worms | |
| 8.6 | George Best vs. Jim Morrison vs. Engelbert Humperdinck vs. Michael Rennie vs. David Frost vs. Sean Connery vs. Paul McCartney | Repeated on Best Of 6 Repeated on Gold 2 |
| 8.7 | King Prawn vs. Baby | Different Baby from 5.7, being played by an adult man in a costume |
| 8.8 | Dog in the Womb vs. Cat in the Womb | Combatants did not reach each other as they were held back by umbilical cords |
| 8.9 | Smile vs. Wind | Wind was represented by a loud breaking of wind and a gale that blew Smile over |
| 8.10 | Undercooked Jacket Potato vs. Cold Bath | |
| 8.Review | Albert the Dog vs. Corky the Parrot | |
| 8.16 | Little Chef vs. Fat Duck | |
| 8.17 | Rounded-Shelled Tortoise vs. Tortoise with a Shell that Has a Peak to Enable It to Reach Up for Higher Vegetation | Repeated on Best Of 10 |
| 8.18 | Biscuits vs. Cakes | |
| 9.4 | British Bee vs. Italian Bee | |
| 9.5 | Dog Sled vs. the Internet | |
| 9.6 | Tarte Tatin vs. Trifle | |
| 9.7 | Mermaids vs. Boobies | Two policemen emerged from the door instead of the boobies; Harry clarified that they weren't looking for bobbies, so the policemen left Repeated on Best Of 7 |
| 8.23 | Crash Test Dummy vs. Chest Impactor | Repeated on Best Of 8 |
| 8.24 | Pasta vs. Nothing | The pasta had no opponent and walked off |
| 8.25 | Cushion Headed Boy vs. Bowl Headed Girl | Two "new characters" introduced in Coronation Street and EastEnders |
| 10.1 | Ahimsa vs. Satya | Two blocks with the Sanskrit words fought each other |
| 10.2 | Ashley Thomas vs. Vincent Spode vs. two other vicars vs. two nuns vs. the Pope vs. a bishop vs. an Eastern Orthodox priest vs. Mahatma Gandhi | "Vicar Fight" (in reference to a fight between vicars Thomas and Spode on Emmerdale) A cow on a quad bike appeared Tied the record for total combatants set in 6.12 Repeated on Best Of 12 |
| 10.3 | Cow Pat Shampoo vs. Cow Wee Rinse | Harry opened one door and was sprayed by cow urine and faeces Repeated on Best Of 19 Repeated on Gold 3 |
| 10.4 | Ricky Butcher vs. Sam Mitchell | "Which is thicker?" Both combatants proved too stupid to open the doors Repeated on Best Of 11 |
| 10.5 | Barry Gibb vs. High-Voiced Man on Coal House at War | |
| 10.6 | Tree vs. Bench | Bench was already in the studio; the Tree fell on it and collapsed it Not the same Tree from 5.10, which was a man in a costume |
| 10.7 | The Belmont vs. the Capulet vs. the Montague | Three brides wearing the mentioned wedding dresses fought each other |
| 10.8 | Chris' Heart-of-the-Midlands Breakfast Chipolata vs. Gary's Royal Venison and Whisky Sausage | from Young Butcher of the Year The butchers Chris and Gary fought each other while riding their respective sausages Repeated on Best Of 20 |
| 10.Review | Daniel Craig vs. Harry Hill | Harry was portrayed by a double Strangely, the real Harry supported Daniel Craig and not himself |
| 11.1 | Light Green Soldier vs. Dark Green Soldier | Started as a clip of Wild at Heart where Harry narrated a boy playing with toy soldiers Repeated on Best Of 14 |
| 11.2 | Perfectly Straight Bean vs. Bent Bean | |
| 11.3 | Fake Coyote vs. Fake Badger | |
| 11.4 | Dog vs. Budgie with No Flamin' Beak | |
| 11.5 | Miss England vs. Miss Manchester | Miss Manchester was knocked out with one punch Repeated on Best Of 16 |
| 11.6 | Hojaldre vs. Pasteleria Salada | "Puff Pastry vs. Savoury Pastry" Introduced by Harry in Spanish |
| 11.7 | Middle of the Biscuit Oven vs. Top of the Biscuit Oven vs. Tip-Top of the Biscuit Oven | |
| 9.22 | Left-Hand End of the Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich vs. Right-Hand End of the Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich | |
| 12.1 | Alex "the Reidernator" Reid's Snowman vs. Tom "Kong" Watson's Snowman | |
| 12.2 | Goblin Grub vs. Gublin Grob | Repeated on Best Of 18 |
| 12.3 | The Royal Family vs. the Full English Breakfast | Repeated on Best Of 22 |
| 12.4 | "The Commercially-Available Instant Noodle Product" vs. River Cottage's Immediate Noodly Pot-Based Item | First combatant is Pot Noodle, as River Cottage was avoiding direct references to Pot Noodle |
| 12.5 | Feathered Birds vs. Ladybirds | |
| 12.6 | Steve and Little Aggie vs. Tim and His Boy Isaac vs. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Louisa | Max Branning joined in the fight |
| 12.7 | Topiary Peacock vs. Topiary Sparrow | |
| 12.8 | Tawny Pipit vs. Meadow Pipit | Two meadow pipits showed up (as a tawny pipit looks like a meadow pipit from behind), so Harry called the fight off |
| 13.1 | Old Paper with a Lot of Parallel Lines and Watermark in the Centre with Traces of the Wire that the Paper Was Made On vs. Much, Much Smoother Paper that Allows You to Smooth It Much, Much More that Was Made on a Woven Wire Mesh | |
| 13.2 | Being Nervous vs. Being Knackered | Neither combatant showed up, as one was too nervous and the other was too knackered Repeated on Cream |
| 13.3 | Black Pepper vs. White Pepper | |
| 13.4 | Nuns vs. Take That | If any pair of the nuns was among of the nuns from 10.2, they are returning combatants Third to tie the record for total combatants set in 6.12 and 10.2 |
| 13.5 | Young Black-and-White David Attenborough vs. Modern Colour David Attenborough | |
| 13.6 | Single Parents vs. Step-Parents vs. Gay Parents | The gay parents were represented by Elton John and David Furnish |
| 13.7 | Ancient Tree vs. Dinosaur vs. Rock | Rock fell from above, crushing the other two |
| 13.8 | David Platt vs. Gail Platt vs. Becky McDonald vs. Kylie Turner | Actual fight scene from Coronation Street, which Harry entered and joined in, along with Heather Trott, Knobbin, the Knitted Character, mannequin Ross Kemp, and Wagbo Repeated on Best Of 21 |
| 14.1 | Paw vs. Claw | |
| 14.2 | Katy Ice vs. King Michael of Brendonia | |
| 14.3 | Scones from Devon with the Cream On First vs. Scones from Cornwall with the Jam On First | |
| 14.4 | The Meat Itself vs. the Tomatoes Themselves | |
| 14.5 | Tamara Ecclestone's Shampoo vs. The Odd Spot | |
| 14.6 | Custard Cream vs. Jammie Dodger vs. Ginger Biscuit vs. Penguin | |
| 14.7 | Ferret vs. Grizzly Bear | The women from Sorority Girls ran in screaming Repeated on Best Of 24 |
| 14.8 | The Marching Band that Set Off from St. Peter's Church, Main Street vs. the Marching Band that Set Off from Richfield | Set a new record for most combatants (undetermined, but over 13) Repeated on Best Of 23 |
| 15.1 | Henry's Braised Beef and Red Wine Pie vs. Tom's Tri-Pie with Meat, Potato, and Some Greens On Top | |
| 15.2 | Asticots Blancs Anglais vs. Asticots Roses Francais | "White English Maggots vs. Pink French Maggots" Introduced by Harry in French |
| 15.3 | Rhona's Probing Fingers vs. Paddy's Probing Fingers | |
| 15.4 | God the Creator vs. Devil the Counterfeiter | God is not seen, but strikes down the Devil into a pile of ash with lightning |
| 15.5 | John Wayne's Hat vs. Agatha Christie's Handbag | Both objects were petrified under the dropping well in Knaresborough |
| 15.6 | Zeus vs. Juice | |
| 15.7 | New Mouse Droppings vs. Old Mouse Droppings | |
| 15.8 | The Dramatic Jewellery of Rene Lalique vs. the Organic Forms of Emile Galle's Glass vs. the Alluring Femme Fatale of Alphonse Mucha |
Others
- In "Episode 6.7", there is a retro-style segment, featuring a fight between Jenny Hanley and the Test Card F girl.
- In an advert for TV Burp on Cartoon Network, there is a fight between the two halves of the channel logo, the white C in a black square and the black N in a white square.